


i'll be fine in the daylight

by asheijis



Series: always forever [3]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, a normal saturday night at 3 am it be like that, late night talks abt trauma u know how it is, no beta :// again lol, takes place sometime after shorters death but before they move out of the condo, yea.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26509729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asheijis/pseuds/asheijis
Summary: nights are hard.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Series: always forever [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912024
Comments: 2
Kudos: 97





	i'll be fine in the daylight

**Author's Note:**

> hihi idk what this is but i couldnt get the thought out of my head until i wrote it all out so :DD ye. i wrote this to procrastinate packing :))))))) its a tough one!! title from ghosts by pvris !!

Red pooled at his feet. Ash’s shoes were getting covered in grime, but he felt he couldn’t move. There were little bits of cut off purple locks in the slowly encroaching blood. He wanted to get away; _needed_ to, even. He couldn’t look away. He was stuck watching the pool slowly get bigger. It would stop eventually. But it didn’t seem to, continuing to an unnatural level. The cuffs of his jeans were now soaked in the liquid, still slightly warm as he fought back the urge to retch at the coppery scent. Shorter lay there, limp and motionless as his own blood slowly covered him until he was sinking in the pool. Ash couldn’t move; but a part of him didn’t want to. A part of him laughed sadistically as he struggled to leave, chiding himself by saying he deserved the same fate. He was the one that pulled the trigger, didn’t he? Just as the blood was about to slip into his mouth, it all vanished. He still couldn’t move, but Shorter was gone, the bloodstains on his clothes gone. It was as if it had never happened. Then he realized where he was. 

It was Golzine’s room. He once again, couldn’t look away as a tiny version of him was being dressed by a butler, the bowtie looking too tight on the child that stood in front of him. His eyes were dull, like they were so often back then; his hands miniature and clenched to his sides, stiff as a board. The butler finished dressing him and led him out of the room, Ash being pulled along with little him. He didn’t want to be here. There was a dinner with guests, a few of them who Ash knew frequented Club Cod. He _needed out_. It was too much and Ash didn’t want to watch himself go through the motions of talking to old people who practically licked their chops at the sight of him. He’d already experienced it more times than he could count, and he didn’t need to see it, hear it, or anything else again. By sheer luck, when Ash saw his younger self shake hands with the woman at the table, he flitted away with the sight of his downcast glassy eyes haunting him. However, the luck ran out as the dining room was replaced once again by Golzine’s room. He was finally able to look away. He wanted out. The repetitive noises kept going and he clasped hands over his ears, shutting his eyes so tight he saw stars. The room's smell nauseated him. He hoped it would be over soon. The door to the room opened and Ash was finally able to move, running out into the hall past the small group of people who had been at dinner and went to the nearest bathroom, hunkering down in a stall and hugging his knees to his chest. Everytime he closed his eyes, a snapshot of the room appeared, different each time, as if it was progressing from when he left. He didn’t want to see, but he didn’t want to look at the all too familiar tile of the bathroom. He wanted to go home. With that thought he woke up, bolt upright in bed, in a cold sweat and panting. 

It was a nightmare. Of course it was. He stared down at his hands, wondering if they really were his hands. He looked over to Eiji’s bed, expecting him to be asleep, but Eiji was sitting atop his bed, looking over at Ash with bloodshot eyes. Had he woken him up again? Eiji saw him looking and with a close lipped, tight smile, he waved his hand. _Come here_. It was hard to ignore him at this point. Ash swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood, wobbly for a second. He grasped the side table for stability as he waited for his legs to work. Eventually his uneasy movements faded and he took the few steps over to Eiji’s bed, sitting beside him. Should he put his head on his shoulder like he had before? Was that allowed? Before he could figure it out, Eiji’s head dropped onto his lap. 

“So?” His voice was scratchy, rough at the edges. Ash was stock still, watching Eiji blink owlishly from his lap. His hand twitched. Eiji looked from Ash to the ceiling, then back to Ash. It was with that slight movement that he saw the faint tear tracks on his cheeks, his eyes still a bit puffy. 

“Nightmare, of course. You?” Ash’s voice was also rough. Eiji nodded. They sat in the quiet of the room, the hum of the building and their breathing the only noise coming to their tired ears. Ash waited for Eiji to elaborate but he didn’t, gazing up at the ceiling again. He flitted his eyes back down to Ash and he found himself not wanting to shrink away as he trailed his gaze across his features, soaking them all in. 

“Can I touch your hair?” his words were barely over a whisper, but they were loud to Ash. His gut instinct was to say no, but this was Eiji. Eiji could do these things. He nodded slightly, and Eiji raised a hand to twiddle with some loose locks of hair that sat atop Ash’s ears. His touch was gentle, calculated as he ran a couple fingers through the strands slowly. The process soon became repetitive, a welcome constant. Ash almost found himself closing his eyes into it. “I had a dream about Shorter.” Eiji sat up, turning to Ash to run his fingers through his hair once again. 

“Yea?” Ash looked down at his hands as he felt Eiji comb through once more, scratching his scalp gently as he went. “So did I. At least partially.” Eiji paused at that, considering it before continuing his ministrations. 

“Really?” His voice was sincere, curiosity and concern obviously mixed in. Ash could tell he was making a small braid with the longer pieces of his hair. Ash hummed a yes. They fell back into the reliable silence as Eiji kept at it. “I was dreaming about when he was injected.” Eiji said it matter-of-factly. Ash hadn’t known Eiji had seen that part. “Beforehand, while he was being dragged away, he told me it would be fine.” Eiji moved to a different part of Ash’s head, scratching lightly where he was going to start again. “It wasn’t of course, and he was arguing with Abraham, telling him you were going to get him for what he’s done up until he was injected.” The air conditioner turned back on with a low buzz. “I still hear the beeping of the monitors. The creak of the chair he was strapped into as he shook. His screams when they pushed me to the cold metal table in front of him and told him that _I_ was the source of his fear.” Ash could feel Eiji’s knuckles as he twisted and turned strands of his hair. 

“I didn’t know about that.” Ash’s voice cracked about halfway through. The thought of that happening to the both of them turned his stomach. “You both didn’t deserve to deal with that.” He picked at the sheets, the soft cloth smooth to his grasping hands. Eiji hummed. They sat in the silence once more, Ash letting Eiji do his thing. He wished he’d kept a closer look back there. He’d known “Yau-si” was suspicious but did nothing. And it cost them all greatly. He reached a hand up to wipe at his face, finding tear trails. He hadn’t noticed when he had started crying. 

“It’s just. When something like that happens and someone you love dies instead of you, you tend to feel responsible.” Eiji’s voice was surprisingly steady as he spoke. “My therapist told me this back in Japan when my father was in and out of the hospital. I would sit there and wish it was me instead of him in that position, in pain. I do not think I really got what she was saying until now, though.” Eiji finished that braid and moved to a new section, combing through and lightly gliding his fingernails against Ash’s scalp once more. 

“You’re not at fault, though. That lies on me Eiji.” Ash rushed to tell him, in his fervor turning to look at Eiji. Eiji had a sad, contemplative look on his face, frowning as Ash turned to look at him. He simply shook his head, and brought a hand up to wipe at the gathering tears in his eyebags. 

“But you are not. You may have shot him, but you were forced to Ash. If you are forced to do something, it is not blood on your hands.” Eiji cradled Ash’s head in his two hands as he rubbed his thumbs along Ash’s cheeks. Eiji knew what he was talking about. Despite that, Ash still felt the gnawing guilt bubbling and festering inside him. “I know you do not believe it, especially after a nightmare, but it is not on your hands.” Eiji’s hands fell to clutch at Ash’s, unwrapping them from where they were clenched onto the bed sheets. He laid his hands palm against palm to Ash’s. “These hands help. They check my temperature when I’m feeling sick, they help you to eat and protect yourself. They help you comfort others, like when you helped Michael.” Eiji was looking down at their connected hands as he spoke. Ash couldn’t look down. He just stared at Eiji’s face, his long eyelashes contrasting against his cheeks even in the low lighting. There was another period of silence as Eiji removed his hands, only to intertwine them with Ash’s. “These hands do good things, Aslan. You do not believe me right now, I can tell, but I’m telling the truth.” He raised their hands up, showing them to Ash. Eiji’s fingers were shorter than his, barely, but they fit well together. 

“Your hands do good things too.” Ash’s only option in his mind was to deflect it back onto Eiji. He smiled gently, knowingly, and nodded, letting go of his hands. Ash mourned the loss before Eiji gestured for him to move back so he could continue braiding. Ash did it easily, the familiar scratch of Eiji’s nails against his hair back once again. They continued like that in silence for the longest time. Ash felt like he was going to burst. “Mine changed halfway through. It went from a… bloody mess to Golzine’s estate. I was a kid. It was one of the nights where Golzine invited some of his top paying advisors to come over.” Ash got it all out in one go. Eiji’s hands paused before continuing. 

“Was it the room with the red curtains?” Eiji’s knuckles brushed against Ash’s head again. Ash’s internal alarm started going off. 

“Yes, Golzine’s room. How did you know what it looks like?” Ash didn’t try at all to hide the apprehension in his voice. Eiji didn’t speak for a few moments, just continued combing and braiding slowly. The fear bubbled in Ash’s gut, threatening to bowl over and destroy him. 

“They sent me in there while I was there. Nothing happened really, I was just tied to the headboard.” Eiji spoke softly, carefully considering every word. “It is not a nice place to be.” He said curtly. Ash felt like he tasted blood, his gut churning. He hadn’t been there, hadn’t known. Eiji had told him back then that he was fine, nothing had happened. “I am sorry that you had to relive it.” His voice was soothing to Ash’s racing thoughts. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” his voice cracked, sounding small, much too small. Eiji sighed. 

“I did not want to worry you. I also did not want you to be hurt by what I said.” He moved to another section of hair, combing through a few times to get any tangles out. Ash swallowed thickly. “I know you are sensitive to certain subjects, so I thought it would be better if I did not mention it. And it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been anyway.” 

“Eiji, this isn’t about me. I don’t care if it might’ve made me panic, I want to make sure you’re safe.” Ash clutched his knees to his chest. “And just because it’s not as bad as what I went through, doesn’t mean it's not still bad.” He added on, staring down at the floor as Eiji twisted his fingers behind him. Eiji hummed. 

“Maybe you are right.” his voice was level, even though Ash could feel how his hands had started to fumble. He finished up the braid, both of them silent. “Sometimes it feels as though I’m back there, though.” Ash could hear how he was unsure to say it. 

“Yea. It always does.” Ash knew it all too well. The feeling of not knowing where you are and if you’re really back there with the looming figures surrounding you. More often than not, he’d find it was just a flashback, closing himself off and refusing to answer any questions anyone had about why he’d acted the way he did. Late at night, he didn’t even have to have a flashback to feel as though he could see them, all empty gazes and wrinkled, selfish hands. He didn’t want to think about Eiji going through that. 

There was the distant noise of an ambulance. Eiji finally pulled his hands away from his head, Ash finding he had to stop himself from chasing the contact. The bed shifted, and soon enough Eiji had padded over in front of Ash, kneeling and looking up at him with his bloodshot eyes. “Do you want hot chocolate?” 

Ash looked down at Eiji, who had a small tight lipped smile on his face. His hand was extended, and Ash placed his in it, secretly revelling in how tender it all was. Eiji cocked his head and Ash stood to follow him. They walked to the kitchen, hand in hand, Eiji letting go once Ash sat at the island to turn on the light. They both flinched at it, despite knowing it was coming. Eiji took out two mugs, one that had a cartoon on it and another that was plain except for a tiny hand drawn cat. He filled them both halfway with milk, then filled the rest with water, putting them into the microwave one at a time with practiced ease. Ash had to wonder if this was what Eiji did when he couldn’t sleep. His nightshirt hiked up when he reached for the powder mix, and Ash only caught a glimpse of his stomach before he turned away, feeling much too invasive. The sharp clinking of a spoon stirring brought his attention back as Eiji set the cat mug down in front of him, spoon still in it. There were a couple marshmallows, but mostly it was just your normal hot cocoa. It was still too hot to risk drinking. Eiji started stirring his own, the sound echoing in the apartment. 

“You know, Griff used to make homemade hot cocoa.” Ash brought the mug closer to him, enjoying the warmth it gave his hands. Eiji looked to him, lifting his mug and stirring as he turned to face him. 

“Really? What was it like?” Eiji started walking over to sit next to Ash, placing himself on the stool. He set his mug on a coaster with barely a noise. 

“Richer. He would melt down cocoa powder and sugar with some vanilla extract, and then start slowly adding the milk until he’d guess that it was done.” Ash blew on his mug, lifting it to his lips. It was still too hot, but it was manageable. 

“I guess we’ll have to try making that soon then, Aslan.” Eiji smiled and took a sip of his hot cocoa as well. 

“Why do you keep calling me that?” Ash tilted his head, leaning on his hand. It had been nagging at the back of his brain for a time. Eiji paused, putting a finger to his pursed lips. His brow furrowed for a second, before he glanced back up to Ash. 

“I just like how your name sounds.” He smiled, and Ash could’ve sworn there was more to that answer, but he let it go. They could enjoy their drinks without Ash digging for answers. The atmosphere had already been scrubbed raw for tonight. It was better to just drink cheap powdered hot cocoa with Eiji’s familiar, comforting presence than to chase his curiosity. He took another sip. He was engulfed in warmth as he sat next to Eiji, who looked to be thinking about what to talk about next. The night had turned around, even just for now, and Ash was glad.

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed!! pls take ur health and safety as a priority and have a good morning/day/evening/night!! comments r always appreciated!! ty :D


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